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estava lendo uma resenha de um livro que tenta defender o amor contra o esquecimento e/ou a pasteurização que a autora alega que ele vem sofrendo. fiquei um pouco cética tanto sobre o livro quanto o artigo, pois ambos não delimitam muito bem que amor é esse. parece o tempo todo que o real assunto ali é paixão. enfim, a autora do tal livro quer defender que, sem o amor, a arte sai prejudicada. a autora do artigo diz que a vida como arte sai prejudicada sem o amor, o que já é um pouco mais interessante. mas, honestamente, acho que as duas parecem estar apenas querendo intelectualmente justificar uma vontade de sentir aquele amor que era propagado na literatura de antes e que agora caiu em desuso. de fato, parece que hoje em dia só quem escreve histórias de amor (seja com final feliz ou não) são roteiristas de filme ou autores de best-sellers sem qualidades artísticas. mas o caso, para mim, é que amar e experimentar amor não se relacionam dessa maneira fulcral com a inventividade, com produção artística. inclusive, retomando o que disse há pouco, confesso que pouco me senti inspirada por amor de fato (até mesmo porque pouco experimentei isso). quando era mais nova, por causa de uma paixão "daquelas", passei muito tempo dentro do quarto escrevinhando coisinhas adolescentes porém com pretensões estéticas que eram seríssimas na época, ainda que agora me causem profunda vergonha. depois disso, durante alguns momentos em que acreditei estar apaixonada, também me pus a desenhar ou escrever, a tentar em várias frentes usar como combustível aquela turgidez característica de paixonites. e isso se tornou menos literal gradualmente. o que era produzido não queria ser e nem era uma representação de um sentimento ou de situações envolvendo a vítima da paixonite, mas sim algo tematicamente diferente que usou o momentum daquela vivência para se desenvolver. no fim das contas, e isso já tem um tempo, percebi que o que parecia paixonite não era nem bem isso, era apenas projeção momentânea. depois daquele episódio na adolescência e mais um ou outro pontual nos anos seguintes, acredito não ter realmente me apaixonado, embora tenha produzido quantidade razoável de textinhos, manifestações visuais várias e até sonoras que se desenrolaram sob a sombra de musos diversos. é muito claro hoje que não foi a paixão e nem a grandeza do pobre muso que me alimentaram criativamente, mas sim um mecanismo bastante peculiar: pegar as características propícias da situação e do alvo e retirar o máximo daquilo. fazer tudo isso como se fosse mesmo paixão, mas sabendo que não era, ou que poderia deixar de ser a qualquer momento. sim, pois, para sustentar essa condição, é perigoso conhecer muito o objeto da pseudopaixão, é preciso sempre manter alguma distância. quando entra algo como o amor, não é nem possível falar em distância; não se ama sem proximidade (em sentido amplo). então volto a afirmar, com um pouco de pesar, de fato, que nunca senti esse impulso criativo por causa de amor. e, dadas as devidas ressalvas causadas por adolescência aguda, nem por causa de paixão. a vontade de criar chega em mim por meio de concessões, de malear pontos interessantes numa dinâmica entre dois, de testemunho da criatividade alheia (ouvindo música, por exemplo) ou, mais crucialmente, por contemplação de coisas sem autoria (naturais) ou de autor anônimo (criadas, porém identificadas ao acaso).
é claro que essa minha declaração não ataca o que preocupa a autora do livro, pois ela está preocupada com a grande arte, e deixei de ter sérias pretensões a ela (ou esperanças de alcançá-la); mas acho que meu alvo foi o problema da autora do artigo, que é preservar a vida como obra de arte. ao menos para mim, sentir esse impulso criativo, essa vontade deliberada de inventar (e às vezes a invenção não sai da cabeça, mas ainda assim está se manifestando para mim e de maneira frequentemente incomunicável) é parte imprescindível de considerar minha vida interessante o suficiente para que eu não queira sair no meio da história. mesmo com todos os percalços, alguns até bastante tinhosos. na obra de arte pessoal que desenvolvo, o que é mais importante do que me preocupar com amores e paixões é viver deliberadamente, graciosamente, inventivamente e intrepidamente (emprestando da autora número 1) seja lá qual for a fonte de disposição para isso.
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